Any mental illness who's condition comes with a sack load of depression will tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't be on this earth. This voice is particularly the loudest on your birthday. If then the sense of the day is impersonal, echoes of worthlessness and burden follow through.
Then, the moment I get out of bed with this I can do anything attitude, it quickly drops. Some days, I'm lucky if I complete my AM breakfast regime. I then have to make choices for that day, pushing those goals I had for myself further and further away.
If anything happens, I need to hold. I have to shut my ego up and not be so hard on myself that I’m not beating odds. They’re clearly stacked against me in a way I can’t get around.
I can't say what exactly was the trigger. What I do know is I tend to shove everything into a bottle that's constantly being shaken.
I'm starting to notice a pattern where I dip badly into cannot cope mode, hopefully I can figure out how to better plan and stay ahead on my writing. Personal accountability is what's beating me up.
Something will always go wrong. Particularly since this titration off the bezos takes such a long time, I'm expecting more than one screw up to happen.
I learned a crucial lesson about myself while this is going on: don't over book yourself, and stick to a simple routine. Only add a challenging aspect when you know in your gut you can deal with whatever outcome, and expect outcomes to have ripple effects a few days later.