PBE 5: Guilt, Go With The Flow, And I’m NOT my Illnesses

Day 304 of titrating
Starting dose: 1.5mg
Current Dose: 1.250mg

First and foremost, for anyone who noticed no post on Friday, my apologies. The past month has been a bit of a whirlwind.

I can’t believe it’s the first week of June.

There was no post Friday as I was asked to help an older family member find a place to stay here in the city. This all happened very spur of the moment, changing plans I had made, including for my mother’s birthday. I’m fine with change, but not that sudden. This also came at a time where I was on my third week of resuming my titration, landing on the first 72-hours when symptoms are unpredictable and at their peak. I had to prioritize.

Learning to go with the flow while withdrawing isn’t the greatest idea. Life doesn’t always offer choice. The result was me overextending myself and crashing by 4pm. I’d also have bouts of very low mood.

Keeping with the topic of going with the flow, Mother’s Day and my birthday come to mind. My mum decided that she wanted to go clam digging with her brother on the Saturday, and then on the actual day, stay in bed and relax. Being on a Dollar Store budget, these were things I could do. I made tissue flowers from gift-bag tissue and found an unused crossword book. I decided to hold my titration to be able to do everything, but the clam digging day roughed me up more than expected. I decided not to dig, but I did help collect the clams. It was so cold! The rest day was welcomed. Oh, and yes, my hair’s now short purple. That happened at the beginning of the month.

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My birthday. The planned version on the date went well. I got to experience go kart racing for the first time, and we played laser tag. I hadn’t played in years. We then went to supper, then a specialty restaurant for dessert. Although the experiences caused a flare that lasted a few days after, it was worth it. I held my titration my birthday week with anticipation the activity would be enough stress on my body. I experienced some anxiety, but with breathing techniques, I was able to keep it together. I’m also impressed that no old disordered eating habits showed up.

Then, on the weekend, welcome back needing to go with the flow. My friends fell through with their plans for us to see Deadpool 2 in IMAX. I fell into my old habits and took the planning reigns once more, which I’m going to work on in therapy to no longer do this. Only me and one other had a meal at a local restaurant that I didn’t really want to go (luckily there were healthy options, so not terrible), went to see Infinity Wars, then played in the arcade. The last part of the day’s plans (as expected) fell though all together, not going to a restaurant I was looking forward to trying. I had only been there once before and was curious to try again. I left with mixed sensations within me. One third enjoyed myself, one third frustrated, and last third disappointed.

During the apartment hunt mentioned above, it was also my mum’s birthday. She wanted to do manicure/pedicure combo, dinner, and cake. So, we did. Mani-pedi’s really aren’t my thing, don’t think I’ll be choosing those for myself.

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A reminder to everyone out there: continue to live life. It can be done if you plan accordingly. No, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m going through the paces right now, and I hope I find where I fit. There was guilt during all of this. I don’t deserve to have any of this. That’s when I reminded myself that these moments are rare. Remember sick body and brain: I am not my illnesses. I deserve life as much as the next person.

When it wasn’t this, it was your regularly scheduled programming: therapy, physio, chiro, specialists, and massage therapy.

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That sums up my month of May. I’m dealing with new withdrawal symptoms, and trying to balance life. I learned that with proper planning, you can still do things if you wish, and going with the flow can take a toll on you even if you’re okay in the moment. I learned what I need to take to my therapist, and slowly finding the right balance of making sure I don’t break while not hiding under the sheets. Lastly, I didn’t realize how much guilt I would be facing in getting the pieces of my life back together.

Go with the flow, I’m not my illnesses, and I’m allowed to live.


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