TRIGGER WARNING: POST SPEAKS ABOUT SUICIDE. I’m not talking about active/acute suicidal. I’m not condoning suicidal/self-destructive behaviour in others. There’s no right answer when it comes to mental illness and chronic pain. Call 911 or go to the ER.
Suicide is a topic that I’m familiar. I have attempted three times, two of them were during a dissociative state.
Passive suicidal ideation is the constant thought of ending my life. It’s always been there controlled by a volume dial I can’t access. For a while, it was quiet. The past couple of months, the volume dial has been creeping upward. Lots of factors can turn the dial up and down.
I could just run my car into the lake, jump off that overpass, walk into traffic… And other ways quite disturbing that even shock me when they pop into my head. It also includes philosophical arguments to myself as to why I choose to still exist. I never chose to exist in the first place. I find it ironic how taboo this topic is to many.
Right now, I can’t put to words on how I cope, but I can share some myths I’ve encountered while looking to talk about this issue. I’m not always looking for help. Believe you me, semantics matter.
MYTH: I want to die.
TRUTH: I don’t know why I’m alive.
MYTH: I’ve given up on myself.
TRUTH: I’m lost.
MYTH: I don’t care about anyone but myself.
TRUTH: I’ve used up every last drop to care for everyone but myself.
MYTH: I haven’t told anyone.
TRUTH: I tell both professionals and laymen rather frequently.
MYTH: I need to go to a hospital.
TRUTH: I’m not a danger to myself, and thinking all suicidal ideation is dangerous causes paradoxical danger to me.
MYTH: Talking about these thoughts will make me want to act them out.
TRUTH: Keeping them in makes me feel more isolated, making them louder. Typing this out has made me feel calm.
MYTH: People have it worse than you and don’t want to kill themselves.
TRUTH: Everyone’s existence is subjective. Comparing my situation to others is invalidating. To be frank, I had it better when in hospital with cancer. Really. Another way to look at it is two people have been stabbed: one in the leg, one in the stomach. Both people have been stabbed. They’ll be taking different roads, but it’s no less traumatic for both parties.
MYTH: You just want attention.
TRUTH: In a weird way, this is true, but not how people believe. I want the attention of the people that will help me figure out why I should be alive. It’s asking for help in a non-direct fashion. It’s also my isolation trying to reach out in a non-conventional way.
MYTH: It’s the easy/cowardly way out.
TRUTH: My dissociative brain was in control twice: my body’s natural reaction was to survive, and it did. It’s not easy to kill oneself, there is a lot of work that goes into a successful attempt. Ending years of suffering and deterioration is by no means cowardly. I’m very much for doctor assisted suicide.
MYTH: I’ll be sad if you die.
TRUTH: Thank you for laying a guilt trip on me on top of everything else, and only thinking about yourself. Yes, this has been said to me. I always think of the comic below regarding that moment.
I’ll end this post with that comic. Highly recommend anyone out there with mental illness or who have the same suicidal ideation.