I’ve come to realize that I’m an over-apologizer. Small mistakes, something goes wrong in the day, how I look/feel, for saying no etc.
Growing up, it was beaten into me that it was always my fault. Always. That mindset still follows me. At its worst point, people would glance my way and automatically I believed I did something wrong, and a pathetic sorry would fall out of my mouth. Now a days, due to my conditions not being in the most predictable, it’s always my fault.
I’ve realized that when I do this, it reinforces lies my cPTSD related depression tells me: worthlessness, a burden to others, a lost cause, and pretty much anything else terrible it can think up. It also makes a worse doormat than I already am.
The majority of the time, I say this word to lessen the blow of whatever is happening, and keep the peace. I’m slowly delegitimizing when I’m actually apologetic.
I never realize there’s another word I should be using that does the same, but won’t feed depression.
Unless it’s a case where my actions have hurt someone, in most cases I’m grateful for them having me there, and putting up with my burden. Why not express to them what I really mean, and not what my illness wants them to hear?
I’m sorry for slowing you down.
Thanks for walking my pace.
No, I can’t. Sorry. Are you mad?
No, I can’t. Thank you for understanding.
It’s been a slow process, but I’m coming around. Making this small vocabulary change makes me realize and express the gratitude I never thought I deserved. The understanding my illnesses don’t want me to have.
Surprisingly, a lot of people out there don’t talk to me the same as my brain. According to them, I’m worth the patience, brain. Start listening.