PBE 4: Mistakes Were Made

Day 269 of titrating (HOLDING THIS WEEK)
Starting dose: 1.5mg

Current Dose: 1.254mg

If you’re following me on Twitter, you already know that I made the conscious decision to abandon ship on anything other than essential. Last week’s end was a tailspin.

I hit a wall. Hard. I’m usually pale, but never grey.

I was a hot mess. I link the start of it to spilling my dose and stupidly not holding as a precaution. Lesson learned: be overly cautious with the titration. Withdrawal was already kicking my butt, and then a spill. If anything happens, I need to hold. I have to shut my ego up and not be so hard on myself that I’m not beating odds. They’re clearly stacked against me in a way I can’t get around.

I will say last week in particular came with a perfect storm. Lady red visited, I had multiple medical appointments (over-booking), I had to change my morning routine to get my mum to a conference two out of the three days, and I had a really hard time deciding to help out my body, or help out my head (walking should have been reduced). It was next to impossible to guess where the balance could be found.

It felt like more than usual, but who knows…

The muscles between the base of my skull to the base of my shoulder blades decided to lock up badly. I had restricted movement, and when having it massaged, the person doing so couldn’t tell where the muscle and bone differed. My SI area (lower left back) also decided to flare, causing stabbing pain in that location shooting all the way to my knee. PMS cramping didn’t help. My calf muscles also decide to knot up. I ate, but it was difficult. It held on to fluid as if I was dehydrating in the Sahara. As for my bowels, well, I never knew what was coming. Never be too far away from a bathroom when going through withdrawal.

My body tapped out. Add a ruminative brain… Oy.

Nighttime brought with it very intrusive dreams of intense anger. I would wake up shirt soaked through, puddle on my fitted sheet. Menopause, I’m so ready for you. As mentioned in my last post, I had a bad panic attack, first time in a long time.

The one thing I can say I’m proud about, is that I did drop everything, including social media. Locally people have speaking of in-fighting (and generally people weren’t in the best moods), there was a local politician making very ill-informed comments on mental health, race and cannabinoids use, and nationally the terrible tragedy that happened in Toronto. There’s also a very graphic murder case going on here in Halifax in which I couldn’t read any more about. I still made my Morning tweet with coffee gif. That was all. I started Saturday to reintroduce, but I’m still pacing myself.

This too showed me how states are not permanent, even though they may last longer than one expects. My mood has started to level off enough to start reincorporating what I want to do. It’s nice when your brain lets you leave the bed.

For those still out there reading, thanks for sticking with me. I’m not going anywhere soon.

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