F***! I Screwed up my Titration Schedule!

When preparing for this titration, my biggest concern was messing up somehow. I’ve got three major situations that would cause a think fast on your feet situation.

1. I spill my full prepped mason jar.
2. I forget to take one of the four divided scheduled doses.
3. Something prevents me from accessing my prepped mason jars.

Something will always go wrong. Particularly since this titration off the benzos takes such a long time, I’m expecting more than one of those above listed to happen. Maybe even ones I’d never expect.

Well, one has happened. I screwed up my schedule by forgetting to take my third dose on time.

How does this happen? I’m not sure. Some of my symptoms are irritated by hunger, so I was probably too focused on getting a well balanced meal down my gullet.

I started to feel fidgety for no particular reason, then I started to pace around my apartment. I had to move. I started to rock back and forth. Something was off. Once I sat down and realized my mistake, I took it right away. Within 30 minutes I settled down, but it was three hours late of the original time, and two hours close to my next dose.

All it took was a three hour delay to start seeing withdrawal. At the time, those particular symptoms weren’t too distressing. Alright, maybe I’ve gotten through the worst. It was night, and time for me to go to bed.

If that’s what a three hour slip up looks like, don’t let this get past you again!

I figured that since I was getting a heavier dose at night, I’d sleep heavy and wake up groggy. Nope, I’m officially dealing with PAWS. Benzos now do the opposite of what they were prescribed to do: this made it official that this is all about dependence.

I woke up every two hours. Sweat had become a problem, goodbye duvet for the night. Not the worse I’ve experienced (I’ve had to change sheets and clothes from being so sweaty), more like sit up and open a window for a bit. The most distressing: intrusive images in my sleep. Luckily they weren’t full blown night terrors, but they were enough to cause me to flip-flop like mad and wake me up. All were trauma related. The next morning it was no surprised I was stiff, and was groggy. I had to talk myself down that what I saw were dreams and intrusive thoughts. Why do they always seem so real?

Got the schedule back on track, and set some alarms on my portable devices.

I feel like I’m in a constant state of hang-over light, that day felt like a full-blown tear-up. Nausea, hypersensitive senses, the works. I was so pissed with myself for this slip-up that I irrationally went and did extra errands. In a way I’m glad I did: it caused a redirect of focus. I also hate myself for doing that: my body was in so much pain once I got home. The I was pissed at myself mindset is another thing to note and work on.

Anyone doing a detox or titration out there, don’t be afraid to screw up, but do remember slight mistakes will cause distress at various levels.

Keep moving forward.
Don’t take any extra pills.
Get through this.

And remember: it’s okay to screw up.

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