Piecing my Confidence Back Together

I have a secret to share.

I have little self-confidence. 

To you the reader (if you’ve never met me), may find that a bit contradicting. I know a lot of other people who know me and would think the same.

It’s true. I know for sure I’m not alone; both lost or never had.

Things going on as of late have me rattled. I guess falling off the life horse this many times bucked it out of me and it’s shattered. Part of it has to do with my mental and physical state, so maybe I’m more protective of the last shard (so to speak). That last shard? Well, I started this blog (which requires some level of vulnerability), I keep on top of what can improve my mental and physical health, and I have the will to start searching for the other parts.

There’s a few things I’ll be doing in an attempt to regain what’s been broken. Yeah, I realize that they’re starting off a tad superficial. Sometimes a change in paint can help hide some damage that scares people away (even oneself). I look forward to the day where I’m ready to point out you can still see the dents, and I’ve stopped caring/accepted fully they’re here to stay.

Clothes. I used to have an eclectic style, mostly punk. Someone gave me the nickname The Lady Gaga of Halifax. I miss it, I really do. Lately, all I want to grab is a tee, hoodie, and a beanie. My goal this month is to update my wardrobe. It’s time to head on over to the shops I used to frequent (including the thrift shop), and come up with some new duds. With that, I have to make a promise to myself to wear what I pick.

GOAL: Get to the shops, change up my wardrobe and stick to the new look.

Hair. I’m still not digging my hair. It’s always a process, I know this (I’ve had a lot of styles and colours over the years). Thing is, I’ve noticed my patience with myself is low with styling. Some of this stems from pain: I can’t hold my arms up that long without some sort of flare. The impatience and deflation creates this odd urge to shave it all off. I used to wear a lot of rockabilly looks. I’m still getting used to the curling iron.

GOAL: Look up two new hairstyles online I like, and take the time to do them.

Body. I have a type of body dysmorphia. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see what others see. This is mostly linked with eating disorders, but I can completely see anyone with other mood disorders hate their bodies. I found this website called My Body Gallery. This website has really opened my eyes as to how different people look who have the exact same stats. Plus, there’s a quiz section where you challenge your own beliefs on body image. It’s helping me to accept myself. I know it sounds odd, but looking at them, and I think they look great, I look at myself later realizing (finally) that I look similar. It used to be an automatic distortion, now (with the help of this website), it’s been breaking the hold of those very strong personal beliefs.

GOAL: Continue to challenge my thoughts on how I really look.

I’ve come to realize that expectations screw over goals, so I’m going to do this over a stretched period of time, and accept each time what happens. Here’s hoping I can glue some parts of my confidence puzzle back together.

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