Such an original title, yet one that resonates with so many.
That’s the state I’m now, that’s the state I’ve been in, and that’s the mental sludge I force through every day. The more I go forward the harder the sludge becomes.
I blame no one. I was the person who constantly would fall off the horse of life, dust myself off, and get back on. This time, for some reason, I can’t get back up.
Maybe all those times I fell off hurt way more than I realized, and it’s finally caught up with me. Maybe this particular fall has left me winded, and I need a minute. Maybe the horse kicked me extra on my way down. Too many people are yelling to get back up, both my body and brain feel sunken in the mud.
Why does getting up this time have such a sensation of external pressure?
Being stuck is an indication that change looms, that something has to give to make way for the new. I have sat down and researched options for my next move, contacted necessary people, and done cost-benefit lists. What’s the problem? Nothing I’ve searched gives me any sort of reaction of self-satisfaction. I’m capable of doing that I’ve researched, but it feels like going through the motions of life even worse than they are now.
I’m already enough of a robot.
I don’t feel sorry for myself. There’s no woe-is-me thinking, and I know I’ve probably come off that way to some in this search in becoming unstuck. I’ve not made excuses: weighing pros and cons are a legitimate way to navigate costly risk.
The biggest issues is I’m running out of ideas on how to renew a sense of fulfillment. It seems like I’m no longer living with this at the forefront, right now’s all about getting through the day. I know I have these new limitations. I’m a boom-buster. That recovery window is shrinking because I know I’m not getting back on the horse the way that’s not going to buck me back off.
Maybe this is why some days I don’t want to get back up. Helping myself, deep down, feels like selfishness. Paradoxically, I’ve allowed myself to be so much of a doormat that I’m now in this situation.