Time to push through the dense fog. Here’s hoping this turns out to have some sort of coherence.
I’m writing this while I’m having some sort of dissociative episode. I’m not sure what brought it on, and I don’t know how long it will last. Opportune time to express what’s going on the best that I can. I didn’t prep a blog post last night as I was having some gastro issues. I had every intention of writing something informative this morning, but as I sit here, my brain goes blank. I feel floaty, and the world around me feels a bit disjointed and unreal.
This is an example of cognitive freeze response that isn’t your classic social anxiety freeze. The fun part about doing a titration is you never know if it’s your wean or your disorder causing the problem.
Trauma related cPTSD/PTSD causes one’s brain to protect itself by checking out. I’ve read before that in social anxiety cases, freeze is explained as shutting down socially due to fears of the opinions of others. They’re not the same. My brain believes there’s danger, so it’s slowly trying to shut me down. There’s a belief that freeze response has to do with lack of hope of survival, but I think it’s more complicated.
Wow, there go three hard yawns in a row. I’m not tired, but I’m starting to feel sluggish. I’ve checked my pulse: 51 beats per minute. I’ve had a coffee, it should be at least in the 60’s.
I’m typing on the keys, and I can feel the springs push back a bit more than usual. I hear the radio playing in the other room, but it sounds like there’s an echo.
This is why I believe I can’t hold a 9 to 5, go back to school, or to be depended on too much. These days are the most disturbing on the sanity front.
Regardless, I have things to do today that won’t be done on their own. That’s the point of all mental illness, you have to choose. Those beliefs above, maybe things will change. Maybe they won’t. I still have choice.
Hey look, an entry. I congratulate myself even though this took three hours. Now, let’s see how the rest of the day plays out.