Patience is a virtue I only have so much to share. When it’s with myself, forget it. I completely get why people become frustrated with the titration process.
Twice now I’ve titrated down where I should have forced myself into a hold. This is when you stay at the current dose you’re at for an extra week or two, giving your brain more time to level out the GABA floating around. It’s what’s causing too many withdrawal symptoms that make this process that much more difficult. Stubborn me thinks she can get through it: I’m tough, this is nothing. Plus, you should only hold if you’re in full-blown withdrawal, right?
The longer I put this off, the worse I’ll make it for myself. It’s also why people end up relapsing or slipping.
Now, for certain, when I reach this week’s drop, I’m going to stay there for at least two weeks. I’m kicking myself, because looking back, my body was sending me a whole butt load of signs that I need to stay at my current dose.
Signs I’ve noticed where I should hold that aren’t always full-blown withdrawal symptoms:
- Idolizing negative behavior
- Passive suicidal ideation becoming more intense, or turning into active
- Isolation, keeping quiet
- Increased pain
- Unable to do simple tasks
- Unable to complete 30 minutes of low-impact exercise
- Decision making is quite difficult
- Hyperactivity (fidgeting, speaking fast, constant movement etc.)
- Difficulty getting out of bed
- Cognitive distortions (That person did that on purpose! Why are people X? This is all my fault)
- Functional depression
- Restless legs/disrupted sleep
This is a small list. In addition were some known withdrawal symptoms that can be found in my yer dope sick post. I really don’t want to hold, I want to push through and get this slow process over. Holding seems counter-productive. That, and well, there’s an air of failure, and guilt. I feel stuck in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t type situation.
Then I remember, am I radically accepting? Congrats to me, I continue to be mindful of what this pill has done to my brain and body. It doesn’t make any of this process easy. If I rush it, I run the risk of relapse.
Hold my roll, girl. Don’t let that ego get in the way of the bigger picture.