PBE 1: Starting The New Year

Day 161 of titration.
Current dose: 1.332mg

Welcome to my first personal blog entry (PBE). I’ll be making these from time to time to summarize how things have been going, what I’ve been doing, and anything that may eating away at me.

Where to start? When 2018 hit, I said to myself I had nothing to lose in creating this blog and sharing my journey. It’s very difficult to find people willing to be open about their recovery experiences, and if they are, the sole focus is on the negative or just the recovery. I personally wish to expand looking at the whole picture: sharing what I’ve learned though this whole ordeal and lifestyle change. That, and people coming off of psychiatric medications of any kind aren’t pushed to the front: all we see here in Nova Scotia is opiods, alcohol, and gambling addiction. Sadly, I missed out on some really great blogs/vlogs where now, the people wish to move on. That’s understandable. I know that my own goals for this blog will be evolution. In time.

These first few days of the new year have be a refocus of my life direction. With time I’m hoping it will improve, but the blinders I have on prevent me from seeing a real future. I’m at the mercy of this clonazepam wean, and learning (like a newborn) how to cope with life. I know I’m stunted – well it feels as if I am stunted – so another goal I’ve set for myself is to try to avoid what the default behaviour is to do: compare. The Jones’ aren’t that perfect, they can’t be. If they are, what’s the true cost? Social media has made it much, much easier to project an image I need to stop believing is possible.

These past few weeks have been dedicated to getting my chronic pain and mental health treatment schedules back on track, and to find balance. I challenged myself to go out in what’s been -25°c to -30°c with the wind (-13°F to -22°F: apologies if the math is wrong). There’s a well-maintained park in Dartmouth called Shubie that has multiple trails covered by high trees. It was cold, but it was more bearable with the proper clothing, and the wind staying at the top. I can never figure out how to dress this time of year. Today, the weather is going to go back up to 10°c with rain.

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The titration has been going steady, but I may hold after this week if these symptoms don’t level off. I’ve noticed I’ve been much more fidgety these past few days that cannot be appeased with exercise or cutting back on caffeine. I’d also like a break from running to the bathroom roughly every two hours. I didn’t realize my bowels could hold so much… Ah… Well you get it. I did have gastro issues before staring this process, and boy it’s been terrible.

I started a new method for my chronic pain called cupping, and so far it’s improve mobility, but really slammed me with a bust (so much pain that you have no choice but to rest – even small movements are excruciating). I know I pushed my body too much when I couldn’t lift my arm up past my shoulder to close the trunk of my vehicle. I lost the end of a day and night to heat, rest, and eventually caving and having to take Tylenol. It doesn’t scare me from trying again, and I’ll report back on its own post.

Well, that’s my first personal blog entry, and my first week of posting. I have to say I feel – for the first time in a while – a bit of accomplishment. I hope to keep the three posts a week momentum going, and thanks for coming along with me on my journey.

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